I Rewatched “She’s All That” as a Semi-Adult Woman and I Have Some Strong Feelings

🎶 Kiss me, beneath the beaded barley …na na na…something … green green grass….swing me…beneath the silky twilight…🎶 Crushed it.

By Pris M. ❤  @PrisMMartinez

As an awkward kid, I was all about the teen rom coms. And, She’s All That was one of my faves. Y’all I owned this as a VHS. And I played it pretty regularly during my sleepless nights on my sweet action Panasonic TV/VCR combo set…some of y’all know the one.

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Miramax

But I’ll confess I haven’t watched it in a good 10 to 12 years. I’m wondering if it holds up like a fine wine—or salted fish?

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Miramax

I know absolutely nothing about wine, nor have I had salted fish—so this bodes well. Insomnia and Hulu, you win again. Okay, let’s do this!

Se corre y se va con— a full glass of rosé

  1. OMG is that baby Paul Walker?
  2. Wait, who is the actress playing Taylor—she looks like an older Debra Messing
  3. OMGGG I remember watching the MTV Spring Break episodes!
  4. Ew, why did I ever think they were cool?
  5. Ew, gross, she is in high school!!!! How was this even the slightest bit okay?
  6. EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW they hooked up?! SHE’S in HIGH SCHOOL!
  7. On another note, I do miss The Real World—I’d like to go back to the days of simpler house drama. Ugh, I feel so old.
  8. LMAO was our intro to Laney her painting her inner feelings about a riot in Mogadishu? You get it, agnsty white girl. Be all up in your feelings. I’m here for it.
  9. Aww the Goth Trio– Darkness does rock. Goth, Goth, Loli, Loli.
  10. Pours second glass of rosé. I’m 5 minutes in—yikes.
  11. OH MY GOSH is that USHER?!?!?!? Speaking truth with such smooth precision. “Hang in there, Zack!” HAHAHA Chismoso to the max!

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    Miramax
  12. Did schools really have their own radio stations? Or is that just like a high school movie thing? Asking for a friend who went to private school their whole lives—not me, obviously.
  13. EWWWW! AGAIN, SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL! I just cannot and I’m pretty sure the opening title cards are still rolling
  14. Freddie and Paul just look sooooo old.

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    Miramax
  15. Um, no, he did NOT just use “Chelsea Clinton” as both an adjective and an insult?  Smh, he should be so lucky. Boy, bye.
  16. OMG is that Dulé Hill? Hey, boo, I see you!
  17. AND LIL’ KIM?!?!?!?! Was this movie like an audition for the actual game of Life? So much early-twenties star power!  Because, come on, we can’t with good conscience  use “teen”.
  18. HAHA YAASSS, girl, that would have been my response too.

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    Miramax
  19. [Scoff] As if we are suppose to believe that Rachel Leigh Cook is some kind of horrific troll living under a wrecked adolescent bridge. PUUUUUULLLLLEASE. She looks better in this falafel hat, than I ever did in high school.

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    Miramax
  20. Awww Anne Paquin! SOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE (Said like Bill Compton. I dare you not to say it like he does)
  21. I feel like I connect on a deeper level with the falafel house patron. Why, yes, I would also like to see a sample of the falafel balls as well—both plain and supersized.
  22. Already uncomfortable with the flippant uses of slut, skank, and bitch. What candy-coated hell was my formative years? [takes a big drink]
  23. Um, no one puts Gabrielle Union in a corner. She plays second fiddle to no chocker-wearing, gum-smacking wannabe with a butterfly tattoo—on her shoulder—eeeecccckkkk. Okay, it’s not a butterfly—BUT it might as well be.

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    Miramax/ Splash News / Hollywood.com
  24. So I am suppose to believe that Laney is a hideous monster and Zack got accepted to all the schools—-[scoffs and pours self another glass]
  25. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA what is this fresh hell of experimental theater?

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    Miramax
  26. ^ The face I make after a particularly grueling graduate seminar?
  27. “My soul is an island. My car is a Ford.”  ROFL Capitalism, amiright?
  28. be silent; be still. be silent; be still. be silent; be still.

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    Miramax
  29. Haha also me ^ and my crew about the ninth week of Spring Quarter.
  30. Hacky Sacks are so meta. Said no one ever.
  31. “Sooner or later it has to drop.” OMG did I just stare at myself in a soul mirror and found myself wanting?  SHOOKETH. [Takes another big drink]
  32. Um, no duh, my eyes are hella beautiful. I’m legally blind. This +7.00 prescription makes my lashes look lush AF.

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    Miramax
  33. ** Okay, pause while I pour myself some more rosé. I’m like 20 minutes in and I’ve already been on an emotional roller coaster ride.  How is she not more suspicious of Freddie Prince Jr.? Like, I’m weirded out for you from 19 years in the future. Okay, let’s resume. 
  34. Laney Boggs the feminist icon we didn’t deserve. “No offense but you run like a girl.” “I am a girl” “You know what I mean” “No, I don’t actually.” Queen, slay!
  35. Hands down the best line of the whole movie

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    Miramax
  36. Laney’s dad watching Jeopardy is all of us. What is non-alcoholic wine if not grape juice?
  37. Um, why is the brother mixing drinks for Zack? And why is the dad okay with it? Was he the OG “I’m not like those other dads; I’m a cool dad.” Kevin Pollak, you saucy minx, you.
  38. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE SONG!

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    Miramax
  39. This ^ is what I thought every makeover would be like—then I was always like—”Oh, yeah—that’s still me—very different base material than RLC.” And then I was just like—”Whelp, that’s a bummer—for all of us. Let’s wrap up this up.”
  40. Those see-through purses! Those were the shit! Along with those mesh Jansport backpacks. I had a Baby Blue one, and ascetically it was supposed to be pretty empty to look cool—but I was a nerd so it was always overstuffed like a particularly aggressive burrito trying to escape its fishnet wrapping. I know, muy cool. Okay, back to the movie.
  41. And then Laney drew all over that poor girl’s face. Not. Cool. Boggs. And as a Pagliacci clown?! Double burn!
  42. WHY IS BROCK AT A HIGH SCHOOL PARTY?!?!?!?!

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    Miramax
  43. Can someone call the cops please? I’m, like, really uncomfortable.
  44. I love it when the title of a film comes out organically in the script. In beat boxing no less. 1990s Win!
  45. Whoa whoa whoa—hold up. was that a Sarah Michelle Gellar cameo?

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    Miramax
  46. OH MER GEEERD it is!!!! Wait, does this take place in Sunnydale? Are we actually in an alternate reality created by the Hellmouth?
  47. DID THAT KID JUST PUT PUBES ON A PIZZA???? Who does that? And how did he really think anyone was going to actually eat a slice with a wad of hair on it?
  48. ALSO—can we talk about how one of those kids was wearing a black t-shirt with a hand gun on it that said “Kill All Artists” AND the fact that this came out months before the Columbine shooting?
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    Miramax

    No? Too heavy for this post? Okay, okay, pivot. PIVOT.

  49. That was stressful. Let’s have another drink.
  50. Are we just not going to address the death of Laney’s mom? No? We are just going to let it linger? Cool cool cool cool.
  51. OMG Fat Boy Slims’s “Funk Soul Brother” was THE prom song. Which Now, That’s What I Call Music CD was it on—I’m pretty sure I had it on repeat on my Walkman.
  52. OH MY GOSH—I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY—is Laney’s bff the future Foggy? It is! Hey, boo!
  53. As if prom is not just a collection of popped balloons/broken dreams. And, cough, excuse me, where is the 6 inches for Jesus? Said my friend who went to a private religious school her whole life—again, obviously NOT me.

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    Miramax
  54. SOOOO  not okay with the very rape-y vibe I am getting from Paul. I totally remember being so uncomfortable as a young girl. How was this even okay to use as a plot device? Looking at you, Miramax.
  55. BUT also it was amazing when Laney took care of business with her fog horn. As if she needed a Prince [pun sooo intended] to save her. Boy, please. She is Laney-freakin-Boggs. I’m telling y’all. Icon.
  56. The pool dance scene though! That is what little Pris’s dreams were made of. Sixpence None the Richer killed it…
    🎶 Kiss me, beneath the beaded barley …na na na…something … green green grass….swing me…beneath the silky twilight…🎶 Nailed it.

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    Miramax
  57. And here is the start of my obsession with twinkle lights. You ninja-ed my brain, Freddie. You dead-eyed, heart throb, you.
  58. But, also, like, this could have gone one of two ways though–realistically—like, Laney  either had consensual sex with Paul Walker or—she didn’t. How much star power would twinkle lights have in either of those situations? And what kind of conversation did Freddie have with the dad and the brother? “Yeah, I realize I loved your daughter after I wagered her like a sexual object to bolster my toxic masculinity. But she is out with someone else—oddly the guy I wagered with—and maybe having sex—consensual or not— eehhh—it was unclear by the locker room talk. Any who, can you let me into your backyard so I can rig hundreds of feet of twinkle lights. K thanks”  Like, what the F??????????????  Too real? It’s a teen movie? Okay, okay, let’s finish this.
  59. [Pours another drink]  Wait, am I at the end of the bottle?
  60. Um, why didn’t any of the teachers say anything? Like, he had to be sitting there for at least half an hour. I’m getting a very Coach Carr vibe from all these absentee teachers.

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    Miramax
  61. I’m so uncomfortable. [downs last of drink]

In conclusion——

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I laughed. I cringed. I cringed some more. I drank. I drank some more. And, I have to admit—maybe I’d just rather not watch this again for another fifteen years when I watch it with my goddaughters. I mean, will I occasionally watch the She’s All That/ Sixpence None the Richer music video on a rainy night? Without a doubt. It’s locked in my “Stare out the window” Playlist. Do I still love the angsty non-hideous Rachel Leigh Cook as Laney? Um, obviously, I just purchased this Falafel Laney enamel pin. But, the movie was just too dated and odd and felt hella predatory that not even Freddie’s dead-eyed boyish charm could salvage it. OMG, was that Weinstein’s influence?? Now, I am rethinking all my 90s Miramax faves! We’ll just never know! Sorry, girl, but there was simply not enough Gabrielle Union magic to stand the test of time. Thanks a lot for once again  M. Night Shitting-on my adolescence! Ugh.  I officially file this one under #SuperSizedToxicMasculinity #PredatoryRomCom

Agree or disagree? Leave me a comment below.

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